3 thoughts from 3AM #2
A mother's middle of the night musings.
The nights have been long, up every hour or two, then another hour to fall back asleep just in time to wake again. We have a very mobile baby in the bed, co-sleeping with someone who’s been on the move added a whole new layer to our nights, she does this cute little sleep crawl to nestle into us, she helps herself to nursing as she pleases, turns 360 degrees throughout the night and wants to play if she sees any flicker of open eyes in the darkness meet hers. But last night was different, I was alone.
Currently keeping me up at night:
When is the right time to be away from your baby? Sleeping away from my baby has to be the hardest thing I have ever done (I am literally just in the next room). Which is ironic, because I’ve been daydreaming of a whole night where I just have the freedom to sleep, she’s 8 months old. Last night my Mom was here and was helping me coach L gently into less night feeds as she’s been waking 5-6 times a night. After I did her dream feed, my Mom suggested I go rest and she’d do the next one in a bottle. It was impossible for me, my body felt cold, I was not able to calm my mind, I missed her so much even though she was 20 feet away. A different kind of mom guilt kicked in. I went through the rolodex in my mind of other Mom’s in my circle comparing myself (as I know not to do) to the date nights, the babes in their own rooms, the parent-only mini vacay’s. I thought to myself- why don’t I want that? Do I want it and I just can’t do it, so I don’t even think about it? I definitely have craved a break, so why is this so hard? Am I making things harder on myself than they need to be by holding on so tight, or is this what I actually need right now, to be very close to my baby?
All I know is there is no right and wrong here. There are many factors on when you first go away from your babe, how they eat, do they take a bottle, do they only breastfeed, what’s your support system like? Is your baby sensitive, or are they more independent? Who do you trust? What’s good for your mental health? The list goes on and on.
But for now, we’re here and I think we will be for a bit.
There’s sadness behind every milestone L hits. My husband was clapping and cheering as Lennon started crawling, standing and saying Mama, all within a week. I couldn’t help but notice I wasn’t as excited as he was, I was cheering her on, but my inside wasn’t matching the outside. I feel like each milestone is a wave I have to ride. I am happy, feeling proud, then sadness rushes through me as I realize she is not a newborn baby anymore. She will not be this small forever, life felt like it had stood still for months and now it’s moving at a pace I have not caught up with yet.
It’s time to start taking care of yourself again. I was laying there unable to fall back asleep, L’s legs were in my ribs, I could move her again, but I didn’t want to risk it, I thought about how she used to kick me in the ribs from the inside (our bodies are wild, still not over it). She’s been out here, for over 200 days. I started to think about the self-care I gave myself when I was pregnant, the massages, foot rubs, face masks, long baths, reading in bed, single screening to focus, not watching SATC, researching what to feed my baby, booking a therapy appointment and being on FT with a friend all at once since I only have an hour while L sleeps. Point being, self-care has turned into doing errands, checking to-do’s off my list, washing my face if I am lucky and patting eye cream on with my left hand as I pat diaper cream on L with the right. I know it’ll look different then it used to before her, but it’s time for it to look a little different then it does now.
A little photo from when the babe was about the same amount of time in the belly as she has been out, deep in my personal take care club days. Photo by my beautiful friend and talented photographer Megan Toriglia who also writes about all things wine, books and reads at
.