Exclusive Breastfeeding Doesn't Mean Doing It All Alone: What Real Postpartum Support Can Feel Like
Why saying "dads can't do much in the newborn days" is more harmful than we think
Another nap-trapped and unedited notepad scribble for this newsletter.
What I’ve noticed with this format is there is often not a smooth entry or romantic segue. It’s just my thoughts as they are—direct and to the point. With a baby latched at my nipple, this one came through.
There is some messy, clunky romance to be had here, a nice little link to share with your husband, partner, or support person on how they can love you through your leaky days and support you in meeting your breastfeeding goals.
This topic has come up far more times in conversation than I’d like to hear, and I’ve been thinking about how it needs to be debunked. There’s this conception that if you breastfeed exclusively, especially through the night, your partner can’t help.
Maybe they lie beside you sleeping through multiple wake-ups, and you feel alone as their eyes are closed while yours are struggling to stay open. Maybe they sleep in another room entirely because you have another child who needs them, or because “they might as well get their rest” if you can’t.
I’ve heard it so many times: “Well, the husband can’t do much during the newborn phase if the baby doesn’t take a bottle.” This is very limited and, frankly, harmful thinking. I am not implying that two unrested parents are better than one, but there are multiple ways to support a mother while she’s feeding.
Women experience many phases during the early months of motherhood—some where she may need more support and others where she may prefer to be in her own rhythm. Typically, the first few weeks are extremely tender, and establishing a healthy feeding relationship is incredibly important. It’s something the whole family unit can support the mother through to the other side of.
I personally find those early days of postpartum incredibly intense, and I needed my husband to be beside me. Sometimes simply holding space for me, and other times doing literally everything else but feeding the baby.
Studies have proven that women who spend the entire night alone have a higher chance of stopping breastfeeding earlier and a higher chance of feeling isolated and depressed postpartum.
In the later weeks and months, I get into a flow with the baby and prefer to take on nights alone. Regressions (or progressions) then take place, there’s a dip in our flow, and things change again. There is a need for increased support once more during these weeks—for me to continue to nourish my baby during these times of growth and development that cause them to eat more or sleep less.
The point is, it’s not linear, and support for sleep and breastfeeding changes based on the season we’re in. It’s ongoing.
We are just coming to a close on my fourth trimester with my second baby. Here are some things my husband did to support me as an EBF (exclusively breastfeeding), co-sleeping mom of a newborn and a toddler during my fourth trimester.
He takes the witching-hour nap in the carrier if the baby allows it. This gives me space before bed to have some time to myself or with my toddler, which fills my cup and helps me head into the evening without feeling depleted. I try to always bathe, meditate, or have some tea alone—even if it’s only for a short moment in this window. This helps me go straight to bed with the baby instead of staying awake for “me time” and ending up more tired.
He makes sure I eat dinner and always encourages me to eat before him if the baby needs one of us. You need nutrition to make nutrition.
He resets the room before the evening to ensure everything is dim, stocked, and ready for me and the baby. This really helps me mentally going into the night.
He tops up my water and snacks before he goes to bed and always asks if there’s anything else I need. The goal here is that I essentially don’t need to leave the bedroom in the evenings or through the night.
He folds and puts away all the burp cloths, breastfeeding pads, pajamas, and other extras we might need in those early days.
He changes the baby’s diapers at night when needed, for as long as I ask for support with this. I usually use this time to snack, go to the washroom, or close my eyes.
He soothes the baby or gives me a break at the very least. My personal preference is that less changing of hands is better, but if the baby isn’t settling, I pass him off before I get dysregulated so I can re-centre. We had a “colicky” baby the second time around, and this really saved me when I had a screaming baby at the boob for hours a night. Now I’m in a season where I prefer to do this alone, as he’s more settled at night. Come teething and regression season, I’m sure it’ll shift back again.
He takes any toddler wake-ups unless I want to rest with my toddler.Then, if the baby is fed, he stays with the baby. Typically, this would be right at bedtime or early in the morning.
He asks me where I want him to sleep. Sometimes it’s in our bed; sometimes it’s with my toddler. This shifts for me depending on what’s going on with either of our children and with myself. This doesn’t last forever.
He gets up for the day with the babes whenever our life has space to let me rest or have time alone. Typically, this looks like a handoff around 6 a.m.
Reflection
Above are specifics that supported me, but I highly recommend creating your own list with the following in mind:
What’s going to nourish me so I can focus on feeding?
What outside of feeding the baby can I delegate to get more rest or self-care? (In the early days, think about what you need to feed the baby, feed yourself, and go back to sleep at night or nap) I think of this as two tiered. First - anything that directly supports you or the baby. Second - literally anything around the home or on your mental load list.
What is the feeling of the space I’m sleeping in? What would make your bedroom should feel like your sanctuary? (Think light hygiene,temperature, sounds)
What do I need near me so I can stay in bed as much as possible through the night?
Wishing you and your loved ones rest x
Kyla
I am obsessed with this. I needed a lot of support in the early days too. One of the most toxic phrases we can ever say is “there’s not much for dad to do in the early days”. I can’t stand it. This essay is so important and needs to be read by more people. I know, as writers, we hate to be practical, but please do yourself a favour and change the title to make it SEO friendly so people can find this. It’s absolute gold.
this is beautiful, thank you. this is a similar rhythm to how my husband helps me and it reminded me of all the ways he shows his love and support.