The Seasons of Motherhood

Sweet September, I think I will find myself again here.

So much has changed, yet everything is the same all at once.  I’m sitting in our dark room, it’s a sunny morning, the light is creeping through the blackout curtain which earlier created a rainbow on the bed that was distracting Lennon from sleeping. Once her eyes caught it I knew the morning was going to be derailed. She locked eyes with the light, she kept putting her hand in it noticing how it then ended up on top of her hand and not under it, looking back at me with a smile to see if I saw what she’s seeing, then using her new found movement to chase the light around the bed. I had been feeling frustrated because an hour had passed since we started nap time and she was refusing to go down, my mind rushing with all the things I had to do. I took a deeeep breath as I chose to be present with her curiosity. Her nap can wait I thought to myself, this is one of those moments I will look back on, wondering where time went and watching the world through her eyes seems like the medicine I need today. 

As I watch the light move away, I wonder how many more of these bright mornings I have left before the autumn, then winter approach us. I would be lying to myself if I said I had no nerves, or fear around the dark winter and the 1 year milestone meeting me in a few months. Something about summer, this season of motherhood has felt a bit brighter, still difficult, but simpler. I rock Lennon to sleep, and all of these memories and emotions of my early postpartum winter days come rushing back.  Did I even notice when it was dark or light outside this last winter? Or was all my weather forecast internal? I don’t remember sun or light. I only remember her.

Her eyes slowly closed and she did her sweet settling exhale she does, almost like a sigh of relief. I couldn’t help but notice her weight on my body. I know she’s grown, but I’ve never noticed her weight like I do today. It’s always been slow and gradual, but today I feel her heaviness, her warm body, her face cuddled into my chest, watching her head move up and down with each of my inhales and exhales. I am trying to remember what it felt like to hold her when she was still new to this world, when we were both still new to this world. I feel like although she was so small, she felt so heavy to me then,  I’m now realizing maybe it was “us” that felt heavy, we were one. 

Those first 8 + weeks were pretty dark outside and it felt a little dark inside. I rocked us through them, and now she’s 8 whole months. Maybe I notice her individual heaviness because I feel a bit lighter now, my heart feels lighter, the weight of this new world is still there… but that’s just motherhood. I will never not feel for her, it’s a new part of me. I wonder what I worried about before her?

Maybe I notice the light peeking in because I am aware of the world outside of us again, and maybe I notice her outside me a little more each day, still deeply a piece of me - but growing, learning, becoming her own, separate little person. Maybe it’s time I learn to become a version of my own person again too, a person who’s Lennon’s mom, but also a woman who’s growing for her baby like her baby is for the world. 

Summer is ending, and Autumn is around the corner, each season feels like a chapter in my first year of motherhood and September feels like the first page of finding myself again.

With love,

L’s Mama

Here’s to the morning dances to this song, and evening bubble baths x